I always wonder what my life would be like if Roger and I had kids. Would I be a good mom? When I was younger I would always dream of what my kids would look like. Would they have my dark features? Would I have a girl or boy? Sadly, I already had a name picked out if I had a girl. Her name would have been Sophia. When I was little my mom would always talk about Sophia Loren and how beautiful she was inside and out. It always stuck with me and I knew that would be the name if I ever had a little girl of my own.
For the longest time I would flip flop back and forth, yes I want kids and then no I don’t. There were times that the urge of having children would get so bad that’s all I would think about. Then other times I would think that I wouldn’t want to give up the freedom that I have right now.
Growing up in an Italian family you can imagine the pressure to have children. At a ripe young age you are told that getting married and starting a family is the next step. I didn’t want that. I wanted to be free. That mindset definitely changes as you get older.
As many of you may know from reading my post about having endometriosis, having children of my own is not an option for me. I have had many moments where the tears rush down my face knowing I will never know what it feels like to carry a child and bring them into this world. It’s hard to imagine that my parents, in their late 70s now, will never get to cherish a grandchild from me. I know this is the hardest part for both of my parents too.
At 35, most of my friends have kids or are planning to have them. Of course I am sincerely happy for them and will always be the best auntie I can be. But that’s all I will ever be I will never be a mom. It really hits home sometimes when I think of growing old and not having the joy of kids fill my life.
There are so many women who are faced with the same challenges that I have been. Tell us your story and how you it makes you feel.
Livin’ on the edge,